Looking to fail?
Wanna be depressed?
How about a little anxiety?
Here's your list! Rock it. Be the best at any of this stuff and you'll be super miserable! I promise!
1. Victim State of Mind
This is my favorite. Whenever something happens that you don't like? Blame someone. Blame anyone! It's not your fault! You have been hard done by.
By doing this, you are totally devoid of all responsibility for your life. Yippee!
Grab the victim state of mind and ride it for all its worth. Call all of your friends and complain to them about your lot in life. Tell them how nothing ever comes your way. Write about it on your blog.
Hey, you could even start your own non-profit charity… for YOURSELF!
The more you stick to yourself and don't communicate with anyone, the more miserable you can become. Wallow in self pity. Have an isolation fest where you sit and watch hours and hours and hours and maybe even days of bad reality tv shows. Do not answer your telephone. Let bills pile up. Ignore everyone.
Remember, you came into this world alone. And you die alone. So you might as well stay alone for the journey.
Have you ever been told you don't fit in?
Or maybe you were told you are a little ‘different'?
STOP. Just cut that out. Right now.
Imitate the clothing style of everyone in your job or surrounding.
Dress the same.
Start to talk like they do.
Do not EVER express your own opinion. Or wear something handmade. Or strive to be unusual.
4. Live Without Any Goals
It's easy to live without any goals.
Let life take you where it wants.
Wake up without having any clue about who you are or what you want in life.
This works very well with step number one. You can remain a victim for your whole life if you get really great at not having any goals.
Stop reading anything that teaches you how to ‘better' yourself. It's just nonsense anyway.
This step allows you to become a professional couch potato/television junkie/alcoholic/pothead/slacker… etc.
All of which are extremely worthy titles.
5. Believe That The Only Way To Get Rich Is By Winning The Lottery
Let's face it. Only assholes get rich. You'd much rather be poor and awesome right?
Besides, who wants to have a plan for creating abundance. It's much simpler to pick up your lottery tickets with your ciggies and your 12 pack of PBR.
6. Realize The World Is Against You
You've tried and you've tried. You've even read some self help books. But none of it works.
Let's face it. The world truly is against you. In fact, there actually is a ‘them' and a committee of ‘they'.
“They” voted and it was unanimous. “They” are indeed against you.
7. Your Favorite Question is “Why Bother”?
If you find yourself asking this rhetorical question frequently, then you are mastering the art of being miserable.
Why bother doing the laundry?
Why bother exercising?
Why bother eating better?
It's much easier to simply ask this question to anyone who gives you grief about ANYTHING.
Repeat after me.
There. Now you are definitely part of the status quo. Good for you!!!!!
8. Reflect Upon The Past With Regret
If you can master this one, you will stay permanently stuck!!! How cool!
Here's what you do. Every time you think or talk about the past, either talk about how your life was better then and how it is horrible now.
Or if you want a masters degree in misery, you can focus your energy on the incredibly embarrassing and shameful things you did and only think about those.
YES! That will dial it in.
This allows you to stay stuck stuck stuck. Like a broken record.
“If only… if only…. if only…. if only….”
9. Be a Know It All
By knowing everything ever that there is to know ever then you have nowhere left to grow.
Learn to take yourself seriously. 100% of the time.
This will alienate everyone around you.
This will give you more of the isolation that you seek.
This will also uplevel your victimization point of view.
11. Focus On Yourself And Admit You Are Not Good Enough To Help Anyone
Look out for numero uno baby.
When someone asks for help? You do not have the goods. You are not capable. And you should not have to do that anyway.
Refer to #7 if you need support on this.
12. Find The Misery and Negativity In Every Situation
No matter what happens find the dark cloud.
Whenever you talk to someone on the phone, point out their flaws and tell them where they went wrong.
Then go on to tell them how they COULD go wrong and what MIGHT happen that is really really bad.
Watch the news and talk to everyone about how the world is ending and everything sucks.
If someone gives you a compliment, question them or accuse them of lying.
Never trust anyone.
Eventually you will automatically find misery everywhere you look.
When you're too happy, how do you get miserable?
Let me know in the comments!!!!